Amiah's birthday was last week (I know...I should post about it...I'll get to it, eventually). That night when I tucked her in and laid by her I pulled up my blog on my phone and read to her some of the stories I had written about her birth and being a baby and all the cute things she did and how she looked. It was so much fun. So I proceeded (after she fell asleep) to sort through my past posts and I noticed something...since beginning this blog I have done nothing but try and catch up. Try and make up for lost time, say I will be better and then, well, I'm not. I had intentions a year ago to post past posts I'd written in my head and then eventually I'd be caught up.
That's the funny thing about life though....if life would stop for just a moment, maybe I could catch up to it. But it doesn't stop. Nope, it keeps going. So rather than sit here and apologize to the abyss of the internet to an invisible audience and beat myself up over being a terrible wife and mother and human being for failing to maintain the perfect blog I for some reason thought I should have, I am just going to start where I am, today, this moment. And perhaps I'll get around to a post or two on recapping the last year or so...or maybe not. But I did realize, while cuddling with my sweet 4 year old little girl, this is as close as a journal as we're ever gunna get. And while I'd love to capture every waking moment on it, it's not going to happen. But it was super fun to recap those fun moments that I had posted about in the past. And at the moment, I am typing on a new laptop I have spent too much time on today trying to master (a lot has changed since we purchased our desktop 6 years ago!) and maybe, just maybe, I'll find a few minutes here and there to post more moments to come. As of today: here I am...
I started nursing school in August. Now the world may remember that this is not my first attempt at the dream. But due to a whirlwind of experiences I decided to give it another go back in January. I stressed, I studied, I tested, I applied, I got in. And now...our lives are totally different. My babies go to a wonderful daycare 4 days a week, PJ and I go to school and Mickey goes to work. We play in the evenings and on the weekends. And we budget our time like we do our money. And things are good. This is why I have a new laptop. I am attending the community colleges nursing school here, and it's 4 semesters long. I will graduate with an Associates of Applied Science degree, but due to my already having a B.S degree I discovered that with the awesomeness of technology, I can actually be concurrently working on another B.S degree (only this one will actually be financially useful) online through our University.
Admittedly the first few weeks were rough for me. Hard because my kids actually love daycare. THEY LOVE IT. And I felt useless and unwanted and un-needed. But harder than that, I felt guilty for actually loving every second of this experience so far. Sure, things can suck, but it has felt so awesome to be working towards something I have always wanted so badly, but never thought I was capable of becoming.
The last few years I have encountered some very painful and trying growth experiences.Some were brought on by own decisions and some were a product of others. And while I will not expand on those here, I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned what I truly do and don't believe in. I have begun not just treating but actually healing my depression and anxieties. I have reintroduced myself to myself and have begun living my life, loving my life, and becoming a more authentic 'me' than I have in a very long time. Some of these decisions have come at costs that I never thought I would have to pay. But ultimately, it's what will eventually result in not only a genuine and sincere happiness, but hopefully life lessons that can be instilled in my children and those closest to me. Anyway, it's late. Too late to be rambling online with an 8 o'clock class quickly approaching.
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